I have never loved someone that I never dated more than I love him. I spent two years watching him grow and watching just what an amazing being he is. I have kissed him more than once, and he complemented me and was always a gentleman. When I look at him I just melt, he is the hottest thing on the planet. I have never noticed one bad thing about him other than his friend who is terrible. I wish that he felt the same and we could be together, I would give a lot to love someone and be loved in return of that quality and caliber. He makes me happy and it’s been a year. There’s an empty place where he should be. I haven’t dated someone that I REALLY like or was completely invested in for three years now. That last relationship I was proposed to. I want someone who wants to go do things with me. All kinds of things, I want adventure and creativity, just fun and joy, love crazy exciting stupid. LOVE. I want to be proud of the person I’m holding hands with. I don’t care if they can sing. My ideal love can’t sing at all and it makes my heart skip beats. My first love maybe marrying a girl that I know is not right for him but that’s not my decision and even though we love each other I know that we are not meant to be together now. Where’s my prince? Where’s my prince that’s my age? How do you find someone in that horrible city. I want someone to take me to the beach lay and watch the stars with me stay up all night. watch really scary movies take me on adventures. for the first time in forever I have friends. Real friends who want to see me and do things for me and hangout with me all the time. I’m not completely awful and maybe it was the two of them and not me. Maybe soon my life can take a turn for the better. Maybe the sun will shine upon me and I will be forever grateful. I want to love him. I can’t. He’ll never see me. That parting kiss will always be in my heart. I told him my true feelings and wordlessly he kissed me and I stopped it like an idiot. I could kiss him forever. I need to get in shape to get a Mr. Right now. I pray that I get this job please god let it be. I think that it’s my time and I deserve it. I know that’s awful to say and no one deserves anything. But please, please god, universe, whoever is out there. let the light come and the flowers grow, and find me some love, and joyous places to go. Love. I love you Mr. M.
Will it? Will my day come?
I’m going to die alone, just like I live alone, and way born alone.
I don’t really want to hold on anymore. I’d be more than happy to let go of whatever I seem to have.
I want to get out. I want to love. I want to listen. I want to be free. I want to be listened to.
Somebody hold me to close. It’s the little thing you do together.
You could drive a person crazy. Open your heart and show me. Don’t be afraid, it’s only love.
I just need to write, I need to write it all out. I am in such a mix of emotions. There are so many things that I want to say or that I didn’t say. I feel like I can’t say the things I really feel because it isn’t really what people see as “Me”. I am so torn between so many things. I feel alone and not alone. Anxious and not, ready and not, helpless and not. I don’t know anyone here. I am tired of being alone, growing up alone I’m pretty used to it. But I want to learn to live and deal with someone else. I want challenges, adventures, and someone to learn with and see the world with. I wear the ring that I have to represent the one that got away. I really feel that if it was had been different, it would’ve been perfect. I really love him, and I really love you whoever you are. My hear hurts. God only knows what the future holds. God has blessed me with so many experiences and people good and bad. Each is a learning experience and even though some have been challenging I hope that I have grown and changed for the better. I want to be 115 pounds I am currently 130. I want to shed those 15, I want to shed negativity, I want to shed any masks, or fears, or insecurities. I have all the tools to be awesome and when the next one comes along I am not going to let him slip through my fingers. I don’t need to change to be perfect. I need to change to be a better me. I need to look better, feel better, learn more, help others, shop, and find someone who wants to fight with me. I don’t need anyone, but I want someone. I want a friend. I want a love. I want a career. I want to be more than anyone ever expected and I want to do it with more sparkle than you’ve ever seen.
Well, I need a place to work out my life and how I feel and all that nonsense. Why not here? You can join if you like. :)
I recently turned twenty and I felt like a bus hit me. I am old now, I have to go out and do things on my own. I’ll be pushed out into the real world this July when my contract is up and I’ll have already graduated from the conservatory that I am attending currently. I am scared shitless. Sometime’s I’m sure that I’ll never make it. I have heard this many times from a wide scope of people, if you can imagine yourself doing any other profession than acting go do that. I honestly can’t recall a time that I have ever wanted to stray from acting, ever, I can’t help but think that I was meant to do great things. Do many people imagine that they were meant to do great things? I can’t imagine people in trailer parks felt that they would go on to do wondrous things, to cure cancer, but I guess stranger things have happened… But I do really believe that I was meant to go on and do great things. Sometimes I think I see the world in different colored glasses than everyone else. (No they are not rose colored.) I just want to work, have friends, find love, and be happy. That’s a tall order I know. But I’m ready to start.