I just need to write, I need to write it all out. I am in such a mix of emotions. There are so many things that I want to say or that I didn’t say. I feel like I can’t say the things I really feel because it isn’t really what people see as “Me”. I am so torn between so many things. I feel alone and not alone. Anxious and not, ready and not, helpless and not. I don’t know anyone here. I am tired of being alone, growing up alone I’m pretty used to it. But I want to learn to live and deal with someone else. I want challenges, adventures, and someone to learn with and see the world with. I wear the ring that I have to represent the one that got away. I really feel that if it was had been different, it would’ve been perfect. I really love him, and I really love you whoever you are. My hear hurts. God only knows what the future holds. God has blessed me with so many experiences and people good and bad. Each is a learning experience and even though some have been challenging I hope that I have grown and changed for the better. I want to be 115 pounds I am currently 130. I want to shed those 15, I want to shed negativity, I want to shed any masks, or fears, or insecurities. I have all the tools to be awesome and when the next one comes along I am not going to let him slip through my fingers. I don’t need to change to be perfect. I need to change to be a better me. I need to look better, feel better, learn more, help others, shop, and find someone who wants to fight with me. I don’t need anyone, but I want someone. I want a friend. I want a love. I want a career. I want to be more than anyone ever expected and I want to do it with more sparkle than you’ve ever seen.
Well, I need a place to work out my life and how I feel and all that nonsense. Why not here? You can join if you like. :)
I recently turned twenty and I felt like a bus hit me. I am old now, I have to go out and do things on my own. I’ll be pushed out into the real world this July when my contract is up and I’ll have already graduated from the conservatory that I am attending currently. I am scared shitless. Sometime’s I’m sure that I’ll never make it. I have heard this many times from a wide scope of people, if you can imagine yourself doing any other profession than acting go do that. I honestly can’t recall a time that I have ever wanted to stray from acting, ever, I can’t help but think that I was meant to do great things. Do many people imagine that they were meant to do great things? I can’t imagine people in trailer parks felt that they would go on to do wondrous things, to cure cancer, but I guess stranger things have happened… But I do really believe that I was meant to go on and do great things. Sometimes I think I see the world in different colored glasses than everyone else. (No they are not rose colored.) I just want to work, have friends, find love, and be happy. That’s a tall order I know. But I’m ready to start.